A survivor's closure- - Is it an unachievable emotional status?

A survivor’s closure - - Is it an unachievable emotional status?

As I write this my wife and family and I are awaiting formal notification from the California Department of Corrections of the date, site of the prison and time that our son’s murderer will be eligible to have a parole eligibility hearing. It is our understanding it will take place in June of this year, nineteen years from the date of our son’s murderer’s conviction. later. We are among the more fortunate survivors of a murdered loved one because;

·         the murderer of our son was caught

·         the murderer of our son was tried, found guilty and convicted

·         the murderer of our son was sentenced to 30 years to life but will be eligible to receive parole from prison for the crime of murder. (The good news versus the bad news syndrome)

During this time we have had or experienced a myriad of emotions, closure not being one of them. Putting this passage of time in perspective and why closure is illusive if not possible to achieve, let me explain why I feel the way I do. As mentioned above in 2012, nineteen years will have gone by and throughout this time period we have always had the reality of the murderer receiving a parole hearing lying in our paths. When one combines this with our desire to exercise our right to attend the hearing as parents wanting to convince the parole board not to grant the murderer parole and releasing him back onto an unsuspecting society to perhaps victimize another person and their family. So 19 years passing, parole hearing taking place, equals no closure.

  

Assuming we are successful in convincing the parole board to not grant parole it doesn’t end then as under current law our son’s murderer will be eligible for another parole hearing in one, three, five or ten years later and for an undetermined period of time after each time limit set by the Parole Board after the initial hearing if parole is not granted. As I sit here and write this article I am 70 years old. I was 51 when our son was murdered and with the very real possibility of multiple parole hearing being granted in the next two or more decades one of the following is likely to occur, I will be too old and unable due to health and age be able to travel, or more than likely dead, again without having closure.          

As I look back over the events that have taken place in our lives since the night of our son’s murder I have frequently wondered as do all survivors of murder victims, “Is my life as it now is getting better?” I have come to the personal conclusion that my life is different rather than better.

On December 17, 1995 just a few days before Christmas and in the course of contemplating another holiday season our family was once again forced to celebrate without our son I wrote the following in trying to come to grips with life and living after his murder.

“Better or Different?”

The fleeting moments of time it has been said acts as a healer.

Our pain, our sorrow, with its passage is less it is eased, as we are told.

All things good or bad, joyous or heartbreakingly sad will pass.

Their impressions left only in our memories as the passage of time acts as some magical potion deadening our pain as our saddened hearts are relieved.

All too often we are told by scholarly persons schooled only in intellectual thinking or theory, void of actual knowledge or experience that the passage of time will serve as an elixir of healing. Assuring us that our lives will get better as the loved one we have tragically lost will become fond and treasured memories.

For all of us enduring a loss of a loved one to murder seeking and praying that justice will be served and that those who commit such incomprehensible deeds are punished for their acts and no longer allowed to add further victims to society’s murderous toll.

For those whom it seems have no possibility of closure because the persons responsible for taking the life of their precious loved one or friend are unknown and remain free the passage of time may only be an anesthesia. Temporarily numbing and covering yet never fully able to remove or alleviate their pain.

Alas, the passage of time while to some it may seem that life will get better.

But to those of us left behind to cope with our constantly changing moods and emotions, sorrow and pain hopefully our lives will get better rather than, as I currently feel life has not gotten better it merely has become different.”

One of the definitions of “closure” as found in Webster’s New World Dictionary is “a finish; “end;” “conclusion.” How can there be an end, finish or conclusion when that is never permitted by events or circumstances beyond your control? Most of those events are a direct result of justice and due process for the accused and convicted for they are still protected by the law and you as a victim or survivor are not. You are in a class of being beneath the law.

As a victim survivor I once again want to emphasize the loss of a loved one to murder is drastically and dramatically different than losing one to natural causes. In those instances the grieving process is allowed to take place and the closure allowed to begin because the death of that loved one no matter how suddenly it may have been can’t be compared to what a surviving family member or friend of a murdered loved one is forced to contend with.

What I have just written is not intended to minimize the loss of a loved one to death no matter what the cause of their existence here on earth being ended was. The point I am trying to stress is that it is different and the grieving process to be experienced is also. I feel certain I will never experience closure.

The Life After—existing as a survivor of a murdered loved one.

I wrote and had published in the local newspaper the following essay about life and living as experienced by a survivor of a murdered loved one. I want this article to be my intial blog in WRITE THOUGHTS.

The Life After—existing as a survivor of a murdered loved one.

It may have been a knock on the door or a voice on the phone when life you had known it to be was turned upside-down, forever changed, the moment of notification that your loved one had been murdered. Suddenly and without expectation the unimaginable, so horrific that you cannot begin to comprehend or visualize in your worst nightmare has happened, a loved one’s life has been taken, ended by a cold and callous act- - - murder! Now, through no fault of your own you have become a survivor of a murder victim.

Every day we either read or hear about persons who have survived some terrible event that has taken place. Webster’s Dictionary defines surviving or survivors as being allowed to “remain alive or existent.” However, there is another class of survivors being those surviving murdered loved ones. For these survivors while they remain alive and existent a new meaning of surviving is introduced- - a survivor’s existence.

July 24^th marked the 17th anniversary date of our son Tom’s murder and I want to share and educate the public what life is like for survivors of murdered loved ones. I want to make it clear that what I am writing is my view and perspective as a father of a murdered son and is in no way meant to minimize the feelings of others who have survived loved ones who died for other reasons than homicide. Instead, I want to describe life after surviving a murdered loved one and how it differs from other kinds of tragic losses.

A surreal chain of events takes place after you have been notified your loved one has been murdered;

Devastation and shock as you are barely able to function. But you must now contact the coroner, begin to make unplanned funeral arrangements, notify family members and friends.

Your murdered loved one while it is true is a murder victim now becomes a statistic of crime and loses all constitutional rights afforded them because they are dead. Their voice has been forever silenced. They are now represented by the people of the state where they were murdered. You as the survivor have little if any rights in influencing the outcome of the investigation, the criminal proceedings and the trial if the authorities arrest the person or persons responsible for the murder and they are convicted. If they are offered a plea bargain you the survivor may be consulted by the prosecutor or district attorney about such an offer but whether you approve or not one can still be given.

After the arrest and until the suspect is finally tried (which can be months or even years later) there will be countless court proceedings conducted disrupting your life as you are grieving and putting it in limbo. Many survivors actually lose their jobs because they are forced to miss too much work if they want to attend all those proceedings as the voice of their murdered loved one.

As your emotional journey continues you may note that many of your friends and even family members will distance themselves from you. Comments such as “you have to get over it, get on with your life” are made. They may mean well but those remarks are insensitive, usually made by those who have never suffered the murder and loss of a loved one (thankfully.) What they don’t understand is you are getting on with your life, dealing with circumstances so complex your attempts at healing and grieving are on hold and totally out of your control.

Finally, if the person who murdered your loved one is proved guilty, convicted and sentenced for their murder now the appeals process begin, survivors must now await their outcome with the fear the verdict and conviction may be overturned allowing your loved one’s murderer to be freed  Next there will be parole hearings and if you attend them you can only hope you can convince the parole board not to parole the murderer and they not be given another chance that if paroled and allowed back into society they may murder again.

As mentioned earlier the life and existence of a survivor of a murdered loved one is unique and unlike any other and the grieving process is delayed, put on hold indefinitely  or the pain is brought to the foreground again years later if you attend a parole hearing and confront your loved one’s murderer making closure impossible.

I write this article in memory of my loving son Tom and hope that the public is made aware of the true plight of murder victim survivors everywhere.